I once was a creature roaming free beneath the prehistoric trees
And then in the end when time took me I sank into the ground
And became a kind of paste or goo
but then I got pumped out again by a race of creatures known as men
And slurped to a factory in shenzhen through a giant russian metal tube
And there I was warmed and formed and made into two shapely mounds
With a hole in the middle - except I think some bits were spun into the polyester
That made the red and white santa hat coquettishly perched on top
And that was how I came to be a holiday themed sex accessory
A realistic human butt in which a human could bust a nut
But how'm I supposed to get to that human before christmas?
The factory's already running late cause the suicide nets had a hole
by the gate and someone splattered themselves across the asphaltcause they hadn't had a day off since last chinese new year

Not to mention the monsoons

But eventually they get to me and snug with my fellow former beasts
I'm loaded in thirty-six count boxes into a majestic high-cube shipping container
In this container we believe all people are essentially free
We're here because we chose to beIn this container we believe that water is life and across the seaI go to be shown my destiny underneath an oil-based christmas tree
In this container we believe all people are essentially free
We're here because we chose to be
In this container we believe that love is love particularly
The love that is destined to be shown to me
Underneath an oil-based christmas tree
I was loaded onto an eighteen-wheeler driven by a man named Jesus from El Salvador who's making negative money
For transporting me because I'm already late and the drayage fee
Won't cover the lease payment on his rapidly depreciating truck And he's gotta get me to Kentucky before the
once-in-a-generation bomb cyclone hits again and the roads ice up
Don't want to get stuck on a grade crossing and get mulched by a
15,000 foot train full of the corpses of the aforementioned prehistoric trees

In this container we believe all people are essentially free
We're here because we chose to be
In this container we believe that all are welcome to enter me
And you get extra points if you order me in a range of non-standard skin tones
In this container we believe all people are essentially free
We're here because we chose to be
In this container we believe that science is real how else do you explain
The candy-cane shaped fleshlights in the next truck down the road
Well we got to the Amazon warehouse in the nick of time
But then the cyclone hit and the building that was made of wood chips
Glued together by the juice of my dead cousins just up and fell apart
And the workers never get a chance to cash in the incentive points
They earned from their excellence in economical urine management
Before time came for them and they became a kind of paste
or goo

But luckily for me my ass was thrown free and floated down the Ohio
To be fished out by some barefoot boy
And call me Good King Wenceslas cause he's about to feast
In this container we believe all people are essentially free
We're here because we chose to be
In this container we believe that health care is a human right
Hey man whatever helps you get to sleep at night