It’s beginning It’s beginning It’s beginning It’s beginning It’s beginning, it’s beginning, it’s beginning Everywhere you go it’s beginning Take a look at the five and ten It’s beginning once again The Christmas Album

Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Dasher You gotta copy on me, Blitzen, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Blitzen, fer shure, fer shure By golly, it's clean clear to Tinseltown, c'mon Yeah, that's a big 10-4 there, Blitzen Yeah, we definitely got all the presents, good buddy Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got us a convoy Now you better believe, it was Christmas eve With my trucking herd of deer Hauling loads of toys from coast to coast Santa was passed out from Christmas beer We was avoiding polar bear on eye -one-oh 'Bout a mile outta Shaky Town I says, "Vixen, this here's the Dasher "And I'm about to put the hammer down" 'Cause we got a little ol' convoy Rockin' through the night Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the USA Convoy! (Ah, breaker, Cupid, this here's the Dasher) Anyone on our trail? Convoy Yeah, 10-4, 'bout five miles back or so. Ten, roger. By the time we got into Tulsa Town We had eighty reindeer in all And us bulls were getting raunchy Dipping too much into the alcohol Picked up some doe from a truck stop Nice hair, big breasts, fine tail Caused a traffic jam from a trucker orgy Til we heard sirens, it’s time to bail (10-4) 'Cause we got a great big convoy Rockin' through the night Yeah, we got a great big convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the USA Convoy! (Ah, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that, Comet?) Convoy! (Negatory, Comet, they’re still too close) Yeah, polar bears are getting tricky Mercy sakes, you better slow down another ten Well, we rolled up upon the Bayou Like an alligator huntin’ prey Cuz my crew are all wanted men Picked up the serial killer way It started out an accident But it started feeling good Naughty girls and boys go missing each year But keep quiet, I’ll skip your neighborhood Now there’s bears and pigs and bulls and narcs And they was packing heat Yeah, they caught our scent, they were on our trail Looked like we was dead meat Well, we shot the line and we went for broke With a thousand screamin' bucks American Truckers are bulletproof We could hardly give a fuck Ah, Dasher to Prancer, come over Yeah, 10-4, Prancer? Listen, you finish delivering those presents? Uhh yeah, ten hours ago Well, we laid a strip for the Christmas Mountains Tasting freedom in the air Another night of the trucker life Wind blowing through our hair I says, "Rudolph, this here's the Dasher "God Bless America" A night of fun without the sun I says "Let them truckers roll, 10-4" 'Cause we got a mighty convoy Rockin' through the night Yeah, we got a mighty convoy Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'Cross the USA Convoy! Convoy! Convoy! Convoy! Convoy!

You know Dasher and Dancer And Prancer and Vixen Comet and Cupid And Donner and Blitzen But do you recall The least famous reindeerce of all? L. Frank Baum was a children's author best known for his Oz series. His story "The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus", published in 1902, includes a list of ten reindeer, none of which match the names of the versions found in A Visit from St. Nicholas: Flossie and Glossie are Santa's principal reindeer, and Claus gathers eight more, named (in rhyming pairs) Racer and Pacer, Fearless and Peerless, Ready and Steady, and Feckless and Speckless. When The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus was adapted into a television special in 1985, the producers replaced Baum's ten reindeer with eight unnamed reindeer to make the special compatible with Moore's poem. I fuckin’ love Wikipedia.

Once upon a time a new mythical figure rises from the rain Look around, blink twice, things will never ever be the same Formed from the pathos of a man who was too damned to understand True love cannot be issued by raw command To entertain festivities concerning a new hero, Simply hiding lack of passion, absolute zero Eight holy days without probable cause His name: Mr. Hanukkah Claus He never says Shema, he never does tefillin, Never does a mitzvah, not even for his next of kin Can’t read a lick of Hebrew and even if he could I’d be bothered to hear something I actually understood Takes a full weekend to barely build a plastic tree, So sad it spawns demons that live in my plastic dreams Nowhere in the Torah does it prophesize that in my life It’s me or him, drowning in my despise (On the first night) Lit the crappy menorah (On the second night) He gave a real shitty aura (On the third night) He ate a non-kosher duck And on the fourth night he actually learned what “non-kosher” was (On the fifth night) He played a little dreidl (On the sixth night) So emotionally unstable! (On the seventh night) I lost my faith, I ran away, I don’t even know what happened on the eighth Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish You’re gonna cry like it’s acid rain Say it again Say it again Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish Gonna greet ya like a hurricane Say it again Say it again Fear not, he brings gifts, fun for all ages, A laundry list of trauma thicker than the yellow pages Maybe this year he’ll try to do something different But it’s probably more ignorance, ignorance, ignorance, ignorance, ignorance Last time I checked out that Old Saint Dick He had turned a time of celebration into bad politics I imagine five weary fingers lifting up the Shamash, After that my brain needs another deep wash Even now I’m confused by the symbolic meaning, Why copy Santa? It feels like more scheming, More screaming, barely eating, barely healing, struggling to find the feeling, Light the candles in the evening, stop all the bleeding In the end, I don’t know what his life is worth Maybe it’d be better if he never touched this earth At least we got the stories to throwback all his shade, So join me in the most holy crusade (On the first night) Lit the crappy menorah (On the second night) He gave a real shitty aura (On the third night) He ate a non-kosher duck And on the fourth night he actually learned what “non-kosher” was (On the fifth night) He played a little dreidl (On the sixth night) So emotionally unstable! (On the seventh night) I lost my faith, I ran away, I don’t even know what happened on the eighth Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish You’re gonna cry like it’s acid rain Say it again Say it again Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish Gonna greet ya like a hurricane Say it again Say it again Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish You’re gonna cry like it’s acid rain Say it again Say it again Mr. Hanukkah Claus! Steppin’ up’s foolish Gonna greet ya like a hurricane Say it again Say it again

This one’s for you, Travis. I’m sorry I made it sound so pretty. And to my one and only: I’m on my way (someday). Crack open the annual sody pop there. Yeah And well Jeezum Crow, here's to another goddamn Yule (now this’ll be cool) And at the pavilion, two thousand methed out, ill-assorted Pennsyltuckians Are chanting "White Christmas," how subtle I sit there on the park bench, shifting over the rot, put my fingers to my temples And wonder, am I really in here? Hey! The ice of Bucks is muddy And reflects no light, in day or night And I slip on it every time Crack open a box of bud Yeah, and I take that anointing ash Walk over to the playground, drape myself over the swing set And I rip my shirt off! Take that sacred ash And I smear it on my head, feel it sift through my hair And tickle my shoulders, and my cell lights up And it's my brother And he says "Hey bro, how's Hell?" And I’m pitched over the plastic seat, All alone on Christmas Eve Exposed and caked in cinders, The fresh crew of the Tot Lot hewing my Face of stone looking at them, looking at me, looking at them and I say, "Oh, I'm fine bro. How's Philly?" Hey! The ice of Bucks is muddy And reflects no light, in day or night And I slip on it every time Hey! The ice of Bucks is muddy Yeah it strips all the shine outta thoughts of mine And it ruins me every time, time, time, time, yeah So I guess the party line was painted through the schools when I resigned Well, I may be prone to profligacy but who knows if one person can really shape this world o’ mine? In the late hours I be thinking about Jack Shepard, as you do And wouldn’t he snap too if he knew there was a bus all that time? (ah, fuck me) So in the end she bites it, adorns the tight-knit sweater, sets frantic to mend her holly jolly ornaments Feels like mourning an old Lockean friend, so forgive me if I don’t see you again And Jack, you know me, I’m jated forever, but can you really save everyone? Get real! Hey! The ice of Bucks is muddy Is it spread all around ‘cross this whole damn town? Well I slip on it every time Hey! The ice of Bucks ain’t funny It’s confined to one place, just a patch in space But I slip on it every time, Time, time, time (time) Time, woah woah woah No, no, no, oh yeah!

Toyland, toyland Little girl and boy land While you dwell within it You are ever happy there Childhood's joy land Mystic merry toyland Once you pass its borders You can ne'er return again